What Should I Do With My Unused Embryos?
What Should I Do With My Unused Embryos?
by (nsfmg) Community
The (nsfmg) Roundup: All the DMs we posted on Instagram Stories, collected in one place.
From our Instagram feed and Stories in October, 2020. After one completes a cycle of in-vitro-fertilization (IVF), one has to make a decision about what to do with the spare embyros that were not used in the transfer. There are numerous options available, which can vary according to one's personal beliefs and financial circumstances -- from compassionate transfer back into the individual's uterus, to donating the embryos, to discarding the embryos (medically). Unused embryos can also be stored in a lab, or commercial facility. When folks choose to freeze their embryos, it requires they revisit their decision every few years. It is at this precipice where many struggle with what to do with their unused embryos -- after having delayed a final decision for so long. This is the topic on which our anonymous poster when they wrote in to Mom Group asking for support.
The responses from Mom Group to our anonymous poster's question took the issue a step further: What would be the implications of the recent appointment of Justice Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court? Fertility experts worried about Coney Barrett's history of supporting anti-choice groups which promote the belief in "fetal personhood" -- which is the idea that life begins at conception. Should personhood legislation go into effect, experts mused, the implications that this could have on procedures involving embryos could potentially put physicians at risk of criminal violations. For example: Discarding unused embryos could potentially become a crime under personhood laws.
It still remains to be seen whether Barrett will vote for personhood legislation.
Read below to see the original poster's question, and the many responses and concerns this topic raised for Mom Group.
"Hey Mom Group:
Please post anonymously. I'd love to hear from other moms who have had to make a decision about unused embryos from IVF. I realize we are very fortunate to have had successful IVF and a child after several excruciating miscarriages, but we are faced with a tricky decision. We are going to do another embryo transfer in hopes of [conceiving a] 2nd child, but we are not [planning] to have more than 2 kids. In all likelihood, we will have unused embryos. When we embarked on IVF we were so focused on having a baby and [avoiding] miscarriage. We didn't think too hard about having "extra" embryos and then we were plunged into parenthood, which was so much harder than I anticipated. (Thus, only 2 kids. My sanity can't do more unfortunately.) At some point we'll have to decide about remaining embryos and it's so sensitive and hard. Also hard to talk about with friends because it can be triggering. We can opt to dispose, donate to other people, or donate to science. How have other moms reckoned with this???" —Anon.
And here are the responses from Mom Group:
Dear Anonymous:
“Im in the same boat but I don't want to go through another transfer after having one kid. I have four embryos left and I'm stuck on what to do too. My husband wants us to have another but I'm firm on not going through it again. No advice, but I'm with this mom. It’s a hard decision to make, hugs & love to you.” — J.
“This is all so hard and hard to plan ahead for [while] in the most of so much uncertainty. We currently have two embryos on ice. If the first transfer works, we plan to donate the other one to science.” — L.
“I have a friend who has a son from a donated embryo. I never knew until she casually mentioned it one day. I felt so bad because I complimented his blue eyes and how much they look like hers. I had no idea but at the same time I was so grateful for science for her family.” — N.
“We will most likely run into this same situation. We have 5 frozen [embryos] and hope to just need 1 more to complete our family. Our plan, in the beginning, was the donate to research. I think we’re still on the same track. I [would not like to] donate to other people as I can’t imagine my own child being raised by other parents.” — B.
“I can’t speak for the moms who have handled this themselves, but I do know someone who has a daughter [who was] conceived from a donated embryo and she is so so so grateful, as she would not have been able to have a child otherwise.” — S.
“I don’t have an answer for this, but it’s something I think about a lot. We have one child from IVF and four embryos “on ice”. At retrieval we were just happy to have six chances (6 fertilized embryos) but now having my kid I think about whether or not 4 more transfers and possible children are feasible. After going through the emotional and financial exhaustion from infertility/IVF this is just one more thing to deal with that has a monthly reminder in the form of a $45 frozen embryo storage fee. You also can’t forget the guilt [and] negative feelings about having had success with IVF, because you know how many women don’t get the chance to have this problem. Thanks for facilitating this conversation.” — M.
“We’re in the same boat and have decided to donate to another couple. It took us a year to come to that decision. It’s (personally) a little weird to think of possibly another couple having ‘my’ child in the genetic sense. But I know how desperate I was for a child at one time, and decided who knows, maybe our kids would find each other one day?” — V.
"You also can’t forget the guilt [and] negative feelings about having had success with IVF, because you know how many women don’t get the chance to have this problem." -- M.
“We have three frozen embryos for future transfers. We have one daughter via IVF. I’ve thought a lot about if we do future retrieval (I’d really like to have 3 kids) if those 3 embryos don’t take. What if we are left with extra? I still don’t have the answer, it's such a personal decision to make with your partner. Thinking of this mama.” — M.
“I have 4 embryos that have been sitting in storage for 2 years. After 5 years of various treatments, I gave birth to twins. Immediately following my c-section, I hemorrhaged so badly that the only way to save my life was an emergency hysterectomy. I didn’t know until after I came out of the anesthesia. It was the best and worst moment of my life. And when I think about those embryos, I totally lose my shit. I have no idea if I actually want more babies or if I want more because I can’t have more. Probably something my therapist will help me reveal. Who knows? I really appreciate the mom who mentioned their friend used a donor embryo. I’ll let that thought simmer and maybe that’s what we’ll do, but, for now, we pay for long term storage.” — A.
“Yes, I’ve been through this and it was much more difficult than I had anticipated. After 9 IVF cycles, and two healthy children, we had 6 frozen embryos left. I knew we weren’t going to have more children but couldn’t let go... we were paying close to $1k/year in storage so when my youngest turned two, we decided to donate our embryos to science. Signing the paperwork was very emotional and triggering. I felt like I was just tossing away everything I had worked so hard for. Two years later, I don’t think about it very often but it was definitely an intense decision and experience.” — N.
“A friend of mine has 2 frozen embryos left after finishing her family and is facing the same quandary. She and her husband decided to take the embryos home and plant them under a new tree in their garden. If you don’t want to donate them and don’t feel comfortable with the disposal option, I think that’s a lovely way to honour and remember them.” — N.
“How timely. I’m currently refusing to open the bill from our embryo storage because I’m pretty confident we’ve decided our one child is enough (slash all that my anxiety/reg and pp depression can handle) but that decision feels so final. I can’t fathom doing it all again but the thought of letting the frozen embryos go hurts my heart.” — R.
“I’m really struggling with this and we aren’t done yet - but it’s inevitable with the number of embryos we (very fortunately) have. I love the idea of donating them to another family but don’t know how I’d feel about other humans with our genetic material being out in the world that we would probably never meet. We’ve also struggled for an embryo to take so I’d feel bad about donating them to another family and them not working for them either. I’ve heard of clinics transferring them at a point in your cycle that they wouldn’t result in a pregnancy, but haven’t explored the cost or availability near me. I’m in therapy so I plan to discuss it there, but have no idea where to start thinking about it otherwise. I also want to add that our clinic said it’s not likely we’d be able to donate them as there would have to be an active study, so while I would like that option, it probably won’t be an option.” — B.
“The @breastmilkqueen does embryo ash keepsake jewellery where you can turn the embryos into gems and mementos!” — R.
“We had 9 embryos to freeze after a fresh transfer 3 years ago. We just did a frozen transfer for #2 and it worked (so far). I feel very lucky that we’ve had success with our transfers. Our plan has always been to donate to other couples who need them. It was a weird conversation/decision at first because I am not religious and felt ok with donating to people or science but my husband (who is religious) felt strongly we should donate to other people. We never considered destroying them just because we know the heartache of infertility and we have close friends who have experienced many losses or needed donated embryos. It’s a deeply personal choice, but you don’t have to rush it. I’m fairly certain I will be done after 2 kids, but there’s a little something in me that’s afraid to donate the embryos too soon.” — D.
“I don’t have any personal experience or advice. But I do have an account to suggest following. @theperfectmom just finished up her embryo adoption to a close family friend. Now she has a few embryos left to decide whether or not to use or donate again. Good luck with whatever decision you make mamas!” — K.
“I’m going through the exact same situation, except we didn’t start yet . . . I told the doctor I would like to fertilize the eggs one at a time in order not to have embryos left frozen. He said that it will increase the cost tremendously and that he also needs to try to fertilize at least five eggs in order to have one viable embryo statistically.” — L.
“Experiencing miscarriage has shifted my perspective on a lot of things (e.g. my previous pro-life stance, but that’s for another day), including how I feel about the extra embryos we’ll likely have. To me, an embryo is the potential for a child, but it’s certainly not a guarantee of one. I feel no conflict forfeiting that potential if the other necessary criteria are not there - willing parents, able uterus, etc (not to mention luck). Personally, I’m not comfortable with having genetic offspring out there that I’m not raising (not totally sure why - just a feeling), so we’ll be donating to science or disposing when the time comes.” — R.
“I haven’t had this experience, fortunately, but I have friends struggling so much with this. But they cannot afford more than one round of IVF. If I had frozen embryos, I wasn’t going to use them, I sincerely hope I would donate them.” — L.
“Such a great topic! I am actually going to be the recipient of two embryos from a family. My husband and I are beyond grateful because it is the only way I will become pregnant. A great resource is a [Facebook] group called “Embryo Adoption and Donation”. It is a closed group and is monitored closely. It has donors and recipients and those interested. I’ve gotten so much information. Just wanted to pass that along as a possible resource.” — J.
“We still have one embryo on ice. While my husband and I think that we are done having kids, we decided to wait to donate our embryo to science until I hit an age that I would no longer feel comfortable getting pregnant incase we changed our minds (about 3 more years). Now that Amy Coney Barrett has been sworn in, I think that timeline is going to be moved up.” — L.
“I’m dealing with the same thing. I have one child and know I would like another, but now with Amy Coney Barrett’s appointment out timeline of another transfer and the inevitable decision of what to do with the rest of the embryos is most likely going to be moved up. How are other IVF moms feeling about this appointment? I’m terrified that it will affect my family planning and the family planning of other infertile women. It’s weighing very heavily on me and I’m feeling an overall despair thinking about monitoring the cases coming up in SCOTUS so that I can move up my family planning timeline while I still have that right. (For those that may be unaware, ACB is against IVF as well as abortion.)” — L.
“This! With confirmation of ACB and the “personhood” debate shifting, feels urgent to decide what to do, quickly. “Is it better to not have been born than to be born into circumstances probably only very slightly different from those we would provide to our child, though totally unknown to us?” Chop chop - we need an answer to this question right away.” — E.
“I have 18 embryos on ice. Something that I never expected to have when all I wanted was ONE MORE BABY going into the IVF process. Now we are faced with what to do with them and it’s hard. I want to donate to science for research but apparently finding studies to do so is hard...and with the new supreme court...I’m nervous about what will or will not be legal or criminalized in the future.” — A.
"This is a scary time for women struggling to conceive. ACB has said she supports criminalization of disposal of unused embryos.” — M.
“Watching this confirmation “process” has been so triggering. The only time I got pregnant on my own was an ectopic pregnancy (thankfully dealt with through medication but nevertheless a traumatic experience.) My 11 month old was conceived through IVF and we have 6 embryos in the freezer. With both of those experiences in the back of my mind, trying to get pregnant again seems both increasingly urgent and terrifying. Thankful to this community to help process this but oooof what are we going to do?” — S.
“I did NOT know that!! Against IVF...? Why, may I ask ? (I am not from the US — obviously —and was well aware of her appointment and implication for termination of pregnancies, but NOT for IVF too?).” — J.
“It stems from [Amy Coney Barrett] backing groups with stated opinions that life begins at conception. Some take that view so far as to argue that during the IVF process once eggs are fertilized they are alive, even prior to any implantation. States could pass what is referred to as “personhood legislation” giving rights to those embryos. Some extreme groups support criminalization of any discarding or medical use of embryos. This could have implications for families including requiring donation to couples, only fertilizing a few eggs at a time (vastly increasing costs), or limiting if labs are allowed to things like freeze or conduct genetic testing.” — K.
“This is heartbreaking to watch. I know it is impossible, but I wish for a world where people who intend to force their beliefs on others can't ascend into public office. It's one thing to decide something isn't right for you, but to intrude into others' lives? I am so tired of living my life according to what other people seem as immoral. When will Mars be inhabitable? I'm ready to find an artificial environment or something . . .” — G.
“This is the current situation in Poland. Conservative majority in the Supreme Court deemed terminations of pregnancies with severe and lethal fetus abnormalities unconstitutional. The country is on fire. There have been protests ever since — women didn’t go to work today. I’m writing this, because it felt impossible in the democratic country in the 21st century, but it happened. This SC nomination terrifies me because I can see the writing on the wall.” — F.
“Thank you for sharing this topic. If you haven’t been through IVF, you may not know. I had no idea. Great education piece. And one more reason politicians should not have a say over a woman’s body!” — A.