Stop Commenting on My Postpartum Body
Stop Commenting On My Postpartum Body
by (nsfmg) Community
The (nsfmg) Roundup: All the DMs we posted on Instagram Stories, collected in one place.
There truly is no "good" way to talk about postpartum bodies. Unwelcome comments about how we "look like we never even had a baby", can bring up past trauma around loss and infertility, as well as many other feelings. Or, if we receive comments about postpartum weight gain, it can drive us deeper into the mental despair from which we may already be suffering. We never know the reasons behind someone's weight gain or loss, and it is no one's business anyway. Sometimes there isn't a reason, and that's also irrelevant.
Below, are all of the messages we posted on Instagram Stories back in July (2020), when we were talking about how it feels when people make comments about our postpartum bodies.
Hey Mom Group:
“STOP FUCKING COMMENTING ON MY BODY. PERIOD. NOT EVEN “GOOD” STUFF. DONE.”
Dear Mom Group:
“My whole fucking life: "You’re so tiny!” Literally not a week goes by without someone telling me I’m skinny. It’s not a compliment. When I was pregnant it especially made me feel terrible; frail; not womanly.”— M.
“Creating human life is not something you bounce back from and [the bounce back] phrase massively infuriated me. It’s a vestige of a patriarchy that wants to diminish women and their beautiful, necessary, life-giving role in society. As though we are just rubber bands that have been stretched a bit and can bounce right back into servitude to the patriarchy. Fuck. That.” — S.
“Bravo to this writer for getting at the nuance here!” — C.
“Yes! I stopped eating after I gave birth because of really bad [Postpartum Depression]. The amount of compliments I got about how good I looked, and how I didn’t even look like I had a baby, made everything so much worse. I was praying someone would notice how sick I looked. No one asked why I lost so much weight.” — A.
“I’m with this mom. I dealt with the similar comments. “Wow! It looks like you were never pregnant! You dropped weight so fast! You bounced back so fast! You look so good! The WORST part is that these comments were told by other WOMEN, other MOMS. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Finally, I stopped being nice and got real sarcastic saying, “thanks, I dropped weight due to severe PPD and PPA.” And suddenly, no one commented on what should be focused and addressed: Postpartum mental, emotional, and physical health. It showed me what kind of people they were so I stopped talking to them.” — M.
“THIS! The day I delivered full-term I was only 10lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight, due to severe HG. During the first few months postpartum I lost that weight and another twenty pounds, until I had to stop breastfeeding because my body was making the equivalent of skim milk. Not once did someone express anything but admiration for how I “bounced back.”” — S.
“My uncle’s wife greeted my brother and me for the first time ever (both of us are rail thin and tall) with “YOU TWO NEED TO EAT SOMETHING.” Charming! I don’t complain but geez, not an excuse to be rude.”— K.
“Same! I always feel diminished in some way when someone says I am tiny or “so skinny.” Especially during pregnancy. I would much rather hear that I look strong and healthy. Or, even better, nothing body-related at all.”— G.
“Omg yes. Everyone said this to me, and even would say that I was "too skinny". Sorry, my PPD and exclusive pumping schedule with a newborn didn't allow me the time or capacity to eat enough. Doesn't matter, don't comment on my goddamn body. I am 18 months [postpartum] now and people are saying "oh you've gained weight, you look so much healthier" now. Fuck that. Now it gives me anxiety that I'm gaining too much and makes me focus on my body too much. It's a meat suit with a soul inside. Comment on my soul. I'd rather worry about that.” —K.
“Some people actually said this to me following 2 months in the hospital due to Hyperemesis: "At least you won't gain the pregnancy weight!" Ummm. No.” — N.
“Women can be so catty. Just tell each other they are beautiful. Period. No stipulation needs to be placed on body shape, or other physical attributes. I never wanted to look like I was never pregnant, because I loved being pregnant. I love that my belly reminds me of that joy after every meal, after a drink, after a long day of chasing after my babies. My body is my own, unique, flawed, but above all embraced. I don’t wear my body for others, so people should bite their tongue before speaking on another person’s appearance.” — S.
“I was only skinny when I was pregnant. Now I’ve gained 15 lbs PP / 3 yrs later because I’m still nursing and all I hear is, “you’ll lose the weight when you stop nursing.” Every day I see the scale I feel like a total failure.” — L.
“We don't hear about skinny women nearly enough because everyone hates us because that's what the media prefers. But reality is a whole other ball game. I feel you with my BMI of 18.” — G.
“My PPA had me drop 30 lbs and I wasn't trying to lose the weight. Had no appetite. Wasn’t working out. My therapist suggested I see my doc to make sure there wasn’t a thyroid issue. After the nurse did my stats the doc came in and without missing a beat he says, well looks like someone lost all the baby weight! Well done! When I explained that’s why I was there he said it’s probably just stress and most women would be happy about it. Needless to say I’m finding a new doc.” — D.
“Yeah I feel this, especially from my husband because after each pregnancy (2 total) I looked as if I hadn’t ever been pregnant at like 2 weeks PP. He just assumed nothing had happened since there was no physical evidence he could see. Barely helped carry groceries and never once asked about my mental or emotional state. I wanted to scream just because I'm skinny again and you’re weirdly proud of that doesn’t mean something massive didn’t happen to me as a human!!!” — B.
“Okay so on the opposite side of this my PPA led me to a ton of weight gain and now I am even heavier than when I was pregnant. Same tone of comments- “they’re sleeping now, why don’t you work out when they sleep” “do you need to see a doctor to lose that weight?” “Now that she’s not a baby, you can lose all that pregnancy weight!” —WHY IS ANYONE COMMENTING ON OUR BODIES! I was anxious and depressed after my daughter was born and if that means I want to eat some fucking cake to feel better then I’m gonna. My size does not dictate my worth.” — J.
“Stop commenting on and judging our bodies-our weight is not a measure of our health/well-being or happiness.” — R.
“This is so important. Also important to note the comments that are made to those who don’t bounce back. They are just as assuming and hurtful, but instead of being masked in a compliment it’s as a criticism. It’s awful both ways.” — M.
“Can we collectively agree to never use the term “bounce back” again? I used to think it was a compliment when people said “you don’t look like you had a baby". Now I feel like it is incredibly insensitive and doesn’t honour what your body has miraculously accomplished. Motherhood isn’t a backwards journey!!!!!”— B.
“We don’t hear about skinny women enough? All we see and hear about are skinny women. Especially in the pregnancy world (further accentuated by social media), ALL I see and hear from are skinny pregnant women. And this doesn’t mean I hate you! It means I want to see other pregnant people who look like me. Sorry, but this attitude is super off putting even though I am completely on board with body issues/ shame affecting people with ALL types of bodies.” — S.
“I’ve lost about 35 pounds from pure stress and depression. Half of my family is telling me I look amazing, “Oh I wish I was that lucky!” The other half keeps accusing me of abusing drugs that will make me small. So I’m either looking like a model or I’m a drug abuser. But no one will take the time to actually check up on me and make sure I’m ok. I’m literally withering away. I’m sick of the applause or the accusations. Just leave my body alone and maybe check on my mental health?!?” — A.
“”You don’t look like you had a baby!” Really because I think I do? Have I always looked as gross as I feel? Cuz I worked really damn hard on my body before baby. Also I DID have a baby! I’m proud!” — R.
“I did not “bounce back”. My mom kept telling me not to worry, then would comment on my weight every. Single. Time. I saw her, or even talked to her on the phone! “You look so skinny in your last photo, are you ok?” I finally asked my husband to tell her not to comment on my weight anymore because I had actually gained a bunch and thanks to some really fucked up connections, I think me being overweight means my value is less (working on this, it’s a hard thing to overcome). I cried so much every time she would comment, I just couldn’t do it anymore. Now I make sure we talk about literally anything else because there is more to life than the number on the scale.” — N.
“Omg yesssssssssssss #fuckthebounceback !” — C.
“*Especially* for those of us who experienced birth trauma this is SOOOO damaging and triggering. I’m all for never discussing body weight! Can we instead focus on the amazing, miraculous thing our bodies just did!? Bodies are an instrument, not an ornament.” — B.
“OMG she wrote my experience exactly. Trying to deal with the anxiety in other ways now but for sure I ate to comfort myself in my anxiety.” — L.
“THANK YOU. Having a birth injury has meant not being able to exercise for seven months and deal with serious PTSD. Bounce back?? GTFO.” — K.
“It's been 7 months since I stopped nursing and the weight is still there. But it's become such a soft squishy comforting place for my toddler. So I'm trying to focus on enjoying time with her and trying to be more active vs dropping the weight. My body changed because I GREW A HUMAN IN IT AND THEN PUSHED THAT HUMAN OUT OF IT. If I never get back to pre-pregnancy weight, it'll be okay because it will just be one more thing that changed because of my body doing amazing things. I have to tell myself this daily and have it on a piece of paper taped over the screen on my scale.” — L.
“I had a great pregnancy and loved my growing belly. It signified strength, a future and the joy of expanding our family. I suffered an extremely traumatic birth and postpartum that almost compromised my life — I’ve had 5 surgeries and multiple blood transfusions to try to heal and get my body to function in a healthy way. Even people that knew about this trauma kept commenting on how good I look —meaning I was losing weight. They rarely asked how I was doing as a person — I was anemic and struggling, and eventually developed PPA and PTSD because of my experience. Compliments about my body kept coming throughout all of it. I think people were afraid to really sit with my experience and somehow thought complimenting me in a superficial way erased the pain? This made me feel invisible, like my health and well-being didn’t matter to anyone. Only 3 years later am I really climbing out of the isolation of this experience (thank you therapy).”— K.
“I wish people’s first thought when noticing someone’s change in weight was their mental health. Both drastically losing weight and gaining weight [can be] common symptoms of mental and emotional problems so instead of focusing on the body, figure out how to help their brain/heart because they are obviously and visibly going through something hard.” — C.
“I had HG till 32 weeks. As a naturally small person, I kept hearing how “adorably tiny!” I “still was” during the whole pregnancy. It wasn’t adorable, it was life threatening and still something I’m in active treatment to try to gain weight back two years later.”— S.
“After my son was born I was diagnosed with a precancerous colon polyp and had multiple colonoscopies (with full bowel preps while breastfeeding) and a surgery that left me in so much pain I didn't eat for weeks, and so I lost nearly 20 pounds from my already tall/thin frame. Everyone was complimenting me. It was crazy! I was like — um, there's something wrong with me and this isn't normal!!!”— L.
“My first check in with the nurses on the mother-baby unit after birth, one of the nurses said, “it doesn’t look like you just had a baby.” I think she was mainly referring to my lack of stretch marks. But wow, thanks for minimizing all that I’ve JUST been through down to what my body looks like. Thankfully I was able to brush her comment aside in the moment. And didn’t really think about it til this thread came up. Women deserve better.”— N.
“Whoa! I thought it was just me! It doesn't make me mad, but I do feel diminished somehow, like all people see is my body or weight. Not the huge immense mental changes that have happened to me since becoming a mother. It feels weird to hear people say "you don't look like you had a baby." I wish you could see inside my head.” — N.
“I thought I wouldn't have to mention that I was referring to skinny womens’ problems, being skinny and having it be a health issue that you are trying to improve on but getting nowhere, and not receiving support because the media paints it as the way to be which is in line with what the previous poster said. I get this poster feeling annoyed with media representation, but I say this as a skinny Black woman who lives outside of the USA. The skinny rules don't exactly apply the same outside of whiteness, sometimes it is we who feel othered because the only representation we can see is in the (whitewashed) media. I for one would prefer a little more representation in my visible population instead of looking to the media for it.”— G.
Image via Julian Jamie Alessandroni.