I Feel Weird Spending Money As a SAHM
Hey Mom Group . . .
Many stay-at-home moms in our community reported feeling guilty about spending money — whether staying home was the choice both partners made from the outset, or whether it happened because of life and job circumstances. It is never easy to talk about money with our partners, and the pandemic has shifted relationship dynamics for many reasons — from job losses, to the demands that school shut-downs and other support systems on which we heavily relied have placed upon us. Here are some insights and tips we’ve gleaned from within the (nsfmg) community of moms, on how to navigate these tough conversations about finances within a marriage or partnership — especially in this new landscape:
Budgeting Ideas -
“What is working for us is using a budget app like Mint. My husband and I do a yearly budget. We have categories for everything from groceries, gas, & dog care to individual shopping budgets, golf and personal care (hair, nails, etc). These are agreed on TOGETHER and work within our means, savings goals and life expenses. We revisit the budget once a year and again if anything changes financially or new expenses come along.” — M.
“As far as finances go, we keep a very compartmentalized budget : house, baby, groceries, utilities, vacation etc. Most importantly we stick to “His” and “Hers” budgets. Extra spending money gets split evenly between us and can be used for whatever we want. There is no arguing over a high priced video game he wants that I think is dumb, and he doesn’t balk at the price tag from my latest trip to the salon. Big money decisions are always a joint venture.” — J.
“We have a rule to ONLY talk about finances after sex. We know we’re both in good moods and in a good head place with one another.”
Systems That Work for Us -
“I still have my own bank account, and each paycheck I get an agreed upon amount for my own spending. We have a joint account that we use for shared expenses like groceries. Husband is paying my car insurance and student loan payments, bills, mortgage. He and I get equal amounts for our own discretionary spending. It helps that we have very similar money habits and value being thrifty and saving.” — M.
“We eventually found a good system where any spending over a certain amount we just have a quick “team meeting” to let the other know. It’s not so much as asking permission, but just making sure we know where the money is going and if there was any where that money needed to go.” — L.
“My partner and I have all money coming in to the same account, and we each get a weekly allowance for whatever we choose. If we are out together we use our joint account but things like if he has a boys night or I want a cute dress, we use our own money.” — K.
“Not a SAHM but husband and I pool our income. Having our own discretionary budgets is critical. I grew up in a home where arguing about money was a daily screaming nightmare and I didn’t want to continue that or subject any kids to that.”
Perspectives That Can Help -
“I am working full time with two side gigs, while my partner lost his job during Covid and is perfectly content to do full-time childcare. I give him a certain amount each month to spend as he wants and I handle all the joint expenses. But he is so specific in his parameters for childcare work — 9-5, Mon-Fri, plus cooking — and I end up doing childcare and house stuff during the rest of the hours, on top of my work. I keep reading how stay at home moms with male partners who work for money are not handing off the kid at 5pm. But a stay at home dad has no guilt in doing so.”
“Conversations about our different types of labour have been very helpful — discussing why money/compensation makes it feel like you’re doing “real” work, giving yourself credit for your successes in parenting even though it feels like you’re not really doing anything, and how our identities are often so tied up in our productivity or successes in our career. Trying to unlearn all that is such a hard process.” — B.
“While we know our work is priceless, find out what childcare costs would really be like for your family if you and your husband were both working. Make sure you and your husband both know this. It helps whenever you feel guilty about spending!” — E.
Parting Words -
“We have a rule to ONLY talk about finances after sex. We know we’re both in good moods and in a good head place with one another.” — A.
